I love writing, but it brings me guilt. So much guilt. I think that’s part of the whole mom thing though. It seems impossible to be a mom without feeling guilty about something.
I have a messy house that I always feel guilty about, I feel like I’m the messiest mom in the world. I know from shows like hoarders that that isn’t true, but living in a 60m/600sqft 2 bedroom apartment with 2 kids will do that to you, there simply isn’t space for all the things we need. But as soon as I start cleaning I feel like it isn’t worth the effort because in 10 minutes my kids will make it look as if I did nothing in the first place.
So instead of cleaning I’ll start writing. Then I feel bad because I know any free time I have to write I could be spending on studying Japanese. I know enough to get by in most situations, but now that my daughter is about to start kindergarten, I know it could use some improvement. By not being able to speak easily with her teachers or other moms I could make a real impact on her school life. So then I put down the computer and pick up the books.
As soon as I start to study Japanese though I look at my kids playing ipad or watching TV and feel like a shit mom not spending any time with them. Am I really going to be the kind of mom who lets their kids grow up with constant electronic entertainment? I wish I could say no, but who am I kidding, Peppa Pig is a great baby sitter.
So then I’m back where I started, feeling guilty about everything, not getting anything done, and looking for something to watch on Netflix or someone to talk to on Facebook. Maybe when my kids are older and both in school things will get easier, but I doubt the guilt will go away completely and I’m sure I’ll still feel like both my writing and my Japanese could use some work.