Directions

In one month I will turn 32. I feel younger than when I was turning 30, probably because of how much more I am willing to admit I don’t know. I spent the past year trying to learn a lot. I set my bar low, so I anticipated exceeding me “expectations”, but I still believe […]

Unexpected Weight

I quit drinking almost a year ago. I realized I’d been trying to find some peace and happiness at the bottom of my wine glass and it just wasn’t working. I was unhappy. I looked forward too much to the moment when I could acceptably pour myself a glass. Things just weren’t working.

I quit cold turkey, and while the first month or so was a bit difficult, I can’t express how much better my life has become since giving up alcohol. I feel things more acutely. I spend better time with my kids and am more aware of what is going on in their lives. And I lost roughly 50 pounds (about 22 kilos).

I didn’t make any other significant or conscious changes to my life that would explain this weight loss. I do think a lot of it has to do with the fact that instead of a glass of wine, I always have a cup of tea in my hand. I drink liters of it.

I’m not really one for taking pictures either, so while I noticed early on I needed new clothes, I hadn’t seen the changes so sharply until more recently. I saw a picture my mom took of me during the holidays and was shocked. Was that really me? I’ve always been a bit more on the plush side, so seeing cheekbones, my jawline sharply, it was something I haven’t seen before.

I get ready in a hurry. I’m often rubbing on moisturizer by the kitchen table instead of in the bathroom since there are usually 2 or 3 people trying to use the one space at a time. I wear loose fitting clothing most of the time too, I like to be comfortable. So this very big change to my appearance did sort of creep up on me.

It has its pros and cons. I can finally buy clothing in Japan (sometimes) that fits decently. I still have my big swimmer’s shoulders that will prevent me from fitting into most tops here. But right now in January I wish I had a little more padding. Without central heating, I’m sitting here in 3 layers of fleece and two pairs of socks. I miss having more of a butt too. I feel so bony now.

I still think giving up drinking was the right choice for me. I’m definitely a lot healthier, and with my bad knee I know being at the lower end of a healthy BMI is in my best interest as well. Hopefully in another year I’ll recognize myself better. Hopefully I’ll still be doing a good job with this. I don’t want to be complicit or jinx things, but I do want to be more open about things like this.

As a former “wine mom”, I think this is an issue that can be overlooked. It was easy to hide my drinking since I’m home alone. It was easy to pretend I was doing fine since dinner was still getting cooked, the laundry got washed, and we were doing “okay”. It’s important to discuss issues like these more openly so people know they aren’t dealing with their problems alone, or even just to take the first step and acknowledge there might be a problem in the first place.

Misconceptions About Japan

It never ceases to amaze me how many misconceptions there are about Japan and the Japanese people. There is barely a day that goes by that I don’t get some weird question, read a gross generalization, or have something bonkers pop up on my Facebook feed. With how obsessed the world seems with Japan, the huge increase in foreign tourism, and the amount of information available on the internet, I wonder how some of these persist. Not knowing something doesn’t make anyone stupid, but continuing to spread false information or refusing to reevaluate your beliefs in the face of contrary information is never a good way to live your life.

I’ve lived in Japan for roughly 6 years, first arriving in 2008. I’ve been here as a student, an English teacher, a corporate worker, a single woman, a married woman, and now a mom. I’ve learned a lot through my time here and in addition to real life experience I also studied International Affairs with a focus on Japan and Asia in University. I still keep up with Japanese politics and economics simply out of interest. I don’t pretend to be above making mistakes or think that I’m an expert, but I do want to share some of the misconceptions I’ve seen most often and try to address them.

  1. Japan is a Conservative country – This definitely depends on your definition of conservative. Compared to the US Japan has a number of more liberal policies including universal health care, a collapsing (but technically still existent) pension system, much easier to access social security, cheaper higher education, and as many people are quick to point out, some of the strictest gun control laws in the world. However, Japan also has policies in place that are much stricter too. Recreational drug use, even with drugs that have been legalized in many countries like marijuana, is severely punished. It has ended many careers, even for celebrities, and foreigners who have drug charges or other criminal records can be denied entry. Watching television is also reminiscent of the 1960’s at times. All programing on major channels until around 11 or 12 at night is basically safe to watch with the whole family, no nudity, little if any violence, etc. It’s also a country that has a difficult past it enjoys glossing over, much to the chagrin of many of its neighbors. Issues such as comfort women, yasukuni shrine, or whaling are hugely controversial with the world at large, but in Japan these issues receive very little attention in part due to a lack of press freedom, but also a lack of interest by the population in general. Political apathy is simply a growing part of life here as younger people have become disillusioned with the situation they live in and the older population that does vote will continue to decline.
  2. Japanese people are always polite – Bless your heart if you think this one’s true. The Japanese, just like Southerners in the United States, just have a different way of insulting you. Rarely will you hear a direct no from someone, just a comment on how difficult that might be. There may be rules in place to encourage good behavior, but those don’t stop people from ignoring the pregnant woman right in front of them as they sit in the priority seats on the train. There are more subtle ways to do this as well such as by selecting which honorific to use or even in the way they apologize. It’s only now that I’m 30 that I occasionally get a “sumimasen” instead of a “gomen”, it usually doesn’t bother me unless it’s from a kid, I know they do it on purpose! There are also instances where I have felt truly insulted such when people have made comments about me, usually regarding my appearance, right in front of me. A couple months ago I was in line at a conbini and two men standing behind me started saying they thought I was pretty, they then went on to say it was a shame because neither of them spoke Russian and I was definitely Russian. Follow a few comments on my bra size and I just turn around and glare at them. I think their discomfort was enough, but the fact that they had no problem talking about me because I obviously couldn’t understand Japanese was beyond rude. As an English speaker I usually assume people can understand at least some of what I say and am careful about making comments like that. Japanese aren’t as used to foreigners speaking Japanese, and while usually things I overhear aren’t too mean, there are dicks in just about every society.
  3. Japanese women are subservient – This one I love. It’s a huge part in why some men have “Asian fever” and overplayed on anime often so it is somehow believed this is truely how women are here. I think most men who have been in an actual relationship with a Japanese women will know this one is bull shit, but even if you just have friends or relatives who are Japanese women, you will learn how false this is. Japanese society is often thought of as having different levels and depending on what level you are with a person you will act differently. So if you start talking to a woman at a cafe or on the street she may be very polite and act shy or agree with a lot of what you say. Get to know her better, things get real. My mother-in-law definitely wears the pants in her marriage. My sister-in-law has no problem yelling at her husband when he acts stupid. My husband is lucky I don’t pull a George Jetson on him like many Japanese wives do when handling money. He doesn’t get an allowance from me, I trust him to spend frugally the same as he does for me. I get to interact with a lot of Japanese women in my daily life from my fellow mothers at PTA events, teachers at my daughter’s school, neighbors, and of course my own family. Japanese women are strong as a whole. They get shit done. I do wish that in general they would be more outspoken about issues like pay discrepancy and sexual harassment, but I do feel like slowly Japanese women are making gains in both politics and the private sector. They are certainly not shy wallowing geisha waiting to serve you tea.
  4. Japan is expensive – This one is a double edged sword. Yes it can be expensive, but it is also insanely cheap in certain ways. I always get a headache at the supermarket when looking at the prices of meat or fish. The fish prices I get, over fishing, limited supplies, yadayada. But the beef? They just keep on trying to push higher tariffs and push consumers to purchase Japanese beef, which while delicious, is in no way enough to meet local demand. Japan doesn’t consume that much beef, but this is definitely due at least in part to cost. I can’t justify buying 200g of pure ground beef for $10 when I could get double the amount of pork for half the price. Similarly if you are here as a tourist, you will probably be limited to restaurants with English menus (or ones with a lot of photos). This cuts out a lot of lower priced restaurants that have menus only in Japanese, but often with lower prices too. Going shopping? If you are here in January or July you might be here in time for the great sales that Japan tends to have at these times of year (a custom I assume they borrowed from Europe) but your hotel will probably cost more because of the demand too. Living here is much cheaper than other large cities however. Rents are incredibly low due to a large surplus of buildings. Mortgage rates are crazy low as well. Currently our mortgage is sitting pretty at less than 1% for the first 10 years, than it will jump up to less than 2%. Our apartment is small sure, but it’s no different from many other large Asian cities in China, Singapore, India, etc. The fact that we could afford to buy a 3 bedroom apartment in a major city for less than $400,000 is something that people in San Francisco, Sydney, or London can only dream of right now. But a lot of this is partially due to my husband being a salaryman of course, which leads me to…
  5. Japan is a very equal nation – No. No it is not. Japan is a country of people trying to convince themselves that they are all middle class while just like in most developed countries income inequality is continuing to rise. My husband is incredibly lucky (but also hardworking) and has a full-time job with a good company. In Japan, it is very unlikely that he will be fired unless he does something very bad, in which case he would probably be single again too (that’s how bad it usually needs to be). Many people here are now do not have that option, women in particular are hired on contract or as part-time workers. They receive fewer benefits, little to no job security, and obviously less money. While Japanese CEOs still receive much less money than their American or European counterparts, there is growing wealth inequality. I believe the main difference between how this is viewed in the west and Japan is that despite these circumstances, most Japanese still try to project the image of belonging to the middle class, even if they are struggling to do so. People want to like others, they don’t want to be complaining about making ends meet or living paycheck to paycheck. Some think this is a positive, with low crime rates and a seemingly content population, but others, including myself, believe this will only increase the inequality until things become dire. I think Japan will have to become more vocal about their concerns and issues in order to deal with some of the problems that exist here.

I’ll probably be dealing with more of these kind of misconceptions as well as different social issues further on. If any of these interest you I encourage you to read some of the articles I cited, they are really interesting and eye opening. Obviously some of these have been drawn from my own experiences, but I still feel like Japan is often given this “other” quality in the media, both abroad and within Japan itself. Japan has a lot in common with most countries, along with its own unique culture, but that is nothing different from most countries. If you are interested in visiting or living in Japan, I encourage you to come, but remember, it’s not an anime episode.

 

Sources:

https://www.city-cost.com/blogs/City-Cost-News/zVYkM

https://www.history.com/news/comfort-women-japan-military-brothels-korea

https://www.pri.org/stories/2013-12-26/why-yasukuni-shrine-so-controversial

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2017/dec/23/sea-shepherd-loses-antarctic-battle-japan-whale-hunters

The Silencing of Japan’s Free Press

https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2017/04/29/national/media-national/voter-apathy-can-threaten-democracy/#.WvPcr5NuaYU

https://kotaku.com/the-world-of-japanese-husband-salaries-506417591

http://usda.mannlib.cornell.edu/usda/ers/LDP-M/2010s/2010/LDP-M-08-30-2010_Special_Report.pdf

https://www.theguardian.com/inequality/2017/apr/25/equality-japan-inequality-vision-fairer-society-too-good-to-be-true

Spouse Visa – An Unequal System?

It’s that time again. Time for me to renew my spouse visa. For me this is an annual event, despite being married to my Japanese husband for nearly 9 years and having 2 children. Every single time I have been given a 1 year visa with no explanation why.

For those not familiar with the Japanese immigration system, one can apply for a different kind of visa depending on their reason for migrating to Japan. For me that’s pretty obviously my family so I have been on a Spouse or Child of a Japanese National visa for most of my time in Japan. This type of visa comes in a few increments, 6 months, 1 year, 3 year, and 5 year duration.

When I first got married I received a 1 year visa and was totally fine with that. I considered it fair that as a young woman straight out of college I probably did look a bit suspicious. Spouse visas are desirable as they have very few limitations on what one can do in Japan. There are no work restrictions, it’s easier to apply for credit cards or mortgages, etc. With this in mind it’s pretty easy to see why many people would want this kind of visa and the authorities are stricter on applicants. It is also considered a visa that is exploited with fake marriages, particularly by women.

This may lead one to believe that fake marriages abound and the criminals are all female. This is the problem though, they aren’t. In a 2011 article on Japan Today the number of fake marriages exposed by police in the first 6 months of that year was a mere 88. An almost 50% increase over the year before, but still incredibly low compared to the number of real marriages between Japanese men and foreign women, the most recent data available is from 2015 and lists 14,809 marriages. In 2011 19,022 marriages were reported meaning less than .5% of the marriages were fake, assuming all fraudulent marriages were between a Japanese man and a foreign woman.

This doesn’t stop the media from reporting on the “trend” with stories of marriage brokers and fake marriages continuing to make headlines. The most recent I could find involved a Korean woman paying a coworker to marry her with pretty obvious issues in her visa application such as doctored photos and the 2 not living together. The number of marriages has gone down significantly since the mid 2000s where an average of 30,000 were reported to roughly half that number today. While no information as to why the number of marriages has declined, the issue of increased scrutiny and harsher restrictions should be taken into account. The Japanese Immigration website specifically lists additional requirements from applicants from China (the second largest source of brides), Russia, and other countries from the former Soviet Union (all countries that are suspected of having higher rates of false marriages). It seems strange to me that they would be stricter on some of these Asian countries as they tend to be the foreigners who speak Japanese better as well. At my daughter’s local kindergarten there are at least 2 Chinese mothers, a Filipina mom, and me. I am by far the worst Japanese speaker (and thus my daughter is too lol), but I wonder who had the worst experience with immigration? Sadly I don’t think it was me, even though these are all great moms who are raising their children to be productive members of Japanese society, many of whom will be at least bilingual and help alleviate the declining birth rate.

While I understand that immigration wants to reduce the number of sham marriages, their way of going about it places an unfair burden on certain nationalities and women in particular. Instead of requiring more documents from certain countries, why not include an interview for all first time applicants? Or, if the time and money required is too much, perhaps encourage different evidence as proof such as photos, documents showing communication as a couple, or even ask for signed statements from witnesses who would verify that the couple in question are indeed married? These are all simple ways to prove a marriage without penalizing specific nationalities.

While I believe that no one should have to have children, it is true that they legitimize a relationship as well, so why not kill 2 birds with one stone by allowing for expedited applications or longer visa stays for couples who do have a child. In the US immigration system this certainly applies, as does the length of marriage. Japan already has a declining birth rate so this would be an easy way to “reward” couples who do have children. I definitely do NOT believe that couples without children should be penalized however. As a mom I know how difficult child raising can be and how it can hurt your career opportunities, especially in Japan.

As I go to renew my visa within the coming weeks, I have some difficult decisions to make. Do I bring my kids with me for what could be a 5 hour torture trip in the immigration office? That will certainly prove my marriage but will also potentially annoy my immigration officer, my kids are 4 and 2 after all. Last year I waited until my husband had a day off work and went alone, but that resulted in another 1 year extension (my fourth) despite 8 years of marriage. For 4 years we lived in Mexico City due to my husband’s job, so I was a “fresh” applicant with a brand new record, despite no change in circumstances other than two kids added to the mix.

I’ve asked one of my helpful Facebook groups (Foreign Wives of Japanese Men) for help and while everyone was sympathetic, most had no idea why I or others received so many 1 year extensions. My husband has a good job (same one since college like a good salary man), we make plenty of money, my paperwork is always perfect (I’m a bit crazy about that stuff), I always apply in time, and to top it off I’m American. I don’t like that Nationality plays a role in this sort of thing, but if we are honest, most of us know it does. As an American, they can assume I’m not coming here to escape poverty or simply make a better life for myself. With Trump currently in office I don’t feel that’s entirely true 😉 but I do know that I have been born into privilege simply by being a white American woman from a middle class family. I haven’t had to face the same adversity that many of the foreign women married to Japanese men have. I don’t believe that this entitles me to an automatic 5 year visa, but I do wonder if I would have received a 3 or 5 year visa if I had been a man.

While foreign women, mostly Korean and Chinese, make up the majority of foreign-Japanese marriages in Japan, according to most bridal magazines you’d think that all couples were white men and Japanese women. Perhaps this idea that Japanese men aren’t considered attractive to foreign (non-Asian) women that persists is the main issue at hand. Personally I have had a lot of people ask me why I married an Asian man, from the rude insinuations that he must have a small penis (to sate your curiosity no, he’s totally average according to global statistics) to the outdated thinking that he must be a controlling workaholic who doesn’t care about his family at all (ask our daughter about that one). Does immigration here in Japan work within these stereotypes as well? They permeate even our subconscious thinking so it’s hard to imagine they can’t.

I think the best way to fight these issues is simply more exposure. I try to answer people’s questions, even if they are a bit invasive because I want them to understand that like most of these issues, the truth is often less exciting than the headline grabbing fake marriage scams. People fall in love, have kids or don’t, live in somebody’s home country for whatever reason. If I show people that a white American woman and a Japanese man can have a successful marriage than perhaps the next generation won’t have to deal with these issues. I can’t demand a 5 year visa, I can only ask for one and hope I get it so I don’t have to go to immigration every year until I finally get around to applying for Permanent Residency, which by the way, will probably only be accepted if I get a longer term visa first. By helping others, whether they are Japanese, America, or from any country understand that simply because stereotypes surrounding marriages exist, it doesn’t mean that they are true.

Wish me luck at immigration, I’d love to hear from others what their experiences are like there. As a side note to any male readers, I hope you don’t think I’m asking for stricter policies towards men, rather a more equal system for all that doesn’t place too high a burden on either the government or the applicant that will reduce the perception that foreign women marry Japanese men for a free visa.

 

 

Sources:

https://japantoday.com/category/crime/no-of-fake-marriages-between-japanese-foreigners-jumps-by-49-2

https://www.e-stat.go.jp/en/stat-search/files?page=1&query=marriage&layout=dataset&stat_infid=000031521700

https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2011/02/10/national/fake-marriages-man-deported/#.Wu1osZNuaYU

Korean woman nabbed in fake marriage to obtain residency in Japan

http://www.mofa.go.jp/j_info/visit/visa/long/visa10.html

Top Questions I Get from my Neighbors

Living near a small suburb has its benefits. I don’t have to deal with huge crowds and an endless push of cars, but it does mean I stand out more. There are other foreigners here, but most are other Asians who don’t come to attention simply because they have light hair and blue eyes. Since I’m a woman it seems to be even more “strange” but for the most part my neighbors are a friendly bunch who are simply curious about the weird American woman who decided to marry a Japanese and move out to a place that while convenient enough, is certainly not Tokyo.

  1. Where are you from? Usually asked in English, but occasionally in Japanese, after all, every white person speaks English 😉
  2. Is your husband a foreigner too? This comes most often when my daughter is at school and it’s just me and my son. Both my kids got my hair and light brown eyes, but my son does look a little more Western I suppose. Personally I think he looks a lot like his dad but I’ve gotten this more times than I can count so I guess by Japanese standards he doesn’t look too Japanese.
  3. Do you and your husband speak Japanese or English? TBH, it’s mostly English. His English is a lot better than my Japanese, but if he’s feeling lazy he’ll speak to me in Japanese which I understand a lot better than I can speak. Also somethings just work better in certain languages.
  4. What school does your daughter go to/will go to? This is roughly translated into, can I get some free English lessons for my kid? I try to be polite about it, but I’m not gonna force my kids to play with yours if they really don’t want to.
  5. What kind of food do you cook? I think this comes from the confusion of me being American but not being 500kg, they seem to assume we eat all Japanese food. I do cook some Japanese food, but plenty of times I’m missing me some Mexican or Southern food and that’s going on the table too. My kids love ikura and tofu as much as pasta and guacamole.
  6. Do you know person X? They are a foreigner too! Yes, we meet in our monthly secret foreigner society club but I can’t give you any more information or I will be killed.
  7. Why is your daughter’s hair so long? She is deathly afraid to cut it and putting it up in a ponytail isn’t that big a deal. I’ve got bigger shit to worry about.
  8. Do you like living in Japan? It’s got good points and bad, much like any place. I hate feeling like I stand out everywhere I go, but I don’t know how I can live without conbinis any more. Plus the restaurants are amazing whenever my kids behave well enough for us to go out.

Life as the Gaijin

Being a gaijin, or foreigner, in Japan has been written about A LOT. Mostly from the white male perspective, but that’s understandable considering that in the English speaking community, males outnumber females by at least 4:1 (according to a 2005 study done by the Japanese immigration bureau which is not very up to date, but it’s the most recent I could find: http://www.stat.go.jp/english/data/kokusei/2005/poj/pdf/2005ch11.pdf).

In general there are 3 main groups of foreigners that come to Japan, short term, mid term, and long term. Short term residents tend to be students, many from China and Korea, and English teachers looking for an exciting year or two in a more “exotic” country. Mid term residents tend to be expats on a 3-5 year assignment living it up in large houses or apartments with maids, private schools, and large expendable incomes.

Then there are long term residents who I find often end up here by mistake or love. I originally came over as a student and planned to stay until I finished my degree. I was doing well at work however, the recession was in full swing in the US, and I met the man I ended up marrying here though, so things turned out a little differently. I don’t really consider myself a long term resident here yet however, as while I have clocked in over 4 years in Japan, this time I’ve only been back for about 6 months.

I am however married to a Japanese man, have 2 half Japanese children, and will probably never escape the country entirely. We are planning to stay here for at least 3-5 years, but I don’t really have much experience living anywhere long term. I do however have friends who have been here for many years and their experiences, language abilities, and lives are incredibly diverse.

I think Japan has a lot to offer for anyone who is interested in living in the country, but you have to put in a lot of hardwork to get the most out of it. Since living in Mexico, I’ve definitely decided I will be a lot happier once my language skills improve a bit, and I also want to make an effort to make more Japanese friends, something a lot of foreigners struggle with as well. It’s so easy to get caught in the gaijin bubble, speaking English all the time, hanging out with only other foreigners, it can be hard to break out.

Later on I plan to write more on being a mom and a foreign woman in Japan, each of which presents its own challenges and rewards, and each of which are topics that need to be discussed more.

Mommy Guilt

I love writing, but it brings me guilt. So much guilt. I think that’s part of the whole mom thing though. It seems impossible to be a mom without feeling guilty about something.

I have a messy house that I always feel guilty about, I feel like I’m the messiest mom in the world. I know from shows like hoarders that that isn’t true, but living in a 60m/600sqft 2 bedroom apartment with 2 kids will do that to you, there simply isn’t space for all the things we need. But as soon as I start cleaning I feel like it isn’t worth the effort because in 10 minutes my kids will make it look as if I did nothing in the first place.

So instead of cleaning I’ll start writing. Then I feel bad because I know any free time I have to write I could be spending on studying Japanese. I know enough to get by in most situations, but now that my daughter is about to start kindergarten, I know it could use some improvement. By not being able to speak easily with her teachers or other moms I could make a real impact on her school life. So then I put down the computer and pick up the books.

As soon as I start to study Japanese though I look at my kids playing ipad or watching TV and feel like a shit mom not spending any time with them. Am I really going to be the kind of mom who lets their kids grow up with constant electronic entertainment? I wish I could say no, but who am I kidding, Peppa Pig is a great baby sitter.

So then I’m back where I started, feeling guilty about everything, not getting anything done, and looking for something to watch on Netflix or someone to talk to on Facebook. Maybe when my kids are older and both in school things will get easier, but I doubt the guilt will go away completely and I’m sure I’ll still feel like both my writing and my Japanese could use some work.